


Another Beginning

by eff_reality, SuedeScripture



Series: Like Water [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 22:33:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1664966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eff_reality/pseuds/eff_reality, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuedeScripture/pseuds/SuedeScripture
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>September, Edinburgh ~ 1992</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This part is authored exclusively by [eff-reality](http://archiveofourown.org/users/eff_reality). 
> 
> Please read the [Series Summary](http://archiveofourown.org/series/105608). This is a series originally posted elsewhere and without a definitive ending.

"Describe the most difficult time in your life so far, and how you got through."

Never had Billy heard more terrifying words in all his life—and he'd been through all kinds of terror. This was precisely what he'd been dreading most about drama school: feelings.

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, if anything, apart from analyzing scripts and doing vocal exercises. Nothing as invasive as this, not in his first fucking class. They'd been sitting on stage all of six minutes, and already he was expected to talk in front of a circle of ten strangers about something he rarely even allowed himself to think about.

Billy glanced around at the others, most from other countries, he'd learned during their introductions, some looking as if they were searching quite hard for said "difficult time" to talk about. _If only_ , Billy thought.

His lone fellow Scot—Gavin, if his short-term memory served him—raised two fingers above his head in silent offering and, when he didn't meet with any disapproval, got right to his feet and strode to the center of the group. "Eh, my whole childhood was a difficult time," he laughed ruefully, scrubbing a hand through his hair. Some nervous titters floated up from the group, one from Billy himself. "I grew up not too far from here, in Bonnybridge, which, for those of you out-of-towners," he regarded his new classmates, "is the UFO capital of Scotland." Everyone's laughter seemed to energize Gavin, who spun on the balls of his feet until he was facing Billy, inviting his empathy. "But it's also quite a conservative town, or at least it was when I was growing up there." He silently gauged what Billy's experience of his hometown may have been, Billy nodding in agreement; it was similar, though he'd never actually spent any time there. "Not the best place to grow up gay." 

The group fell silent and Billy went completely still. He'd never met any openly gay men from Scotland, at least not any who'd openly talked about being gay. There'd been a few guys who he'd gone to school with and done theatre with who'd had the usual "tells," the marks of a poof, but Billy'd never been close to them, of course.

"'S only about an hour from Edinburgh by train, but as a kid it felt like a world away," Gavin continued. "My town was all I knew, so I always thought there was something really wrong with me, that there was no one else out there like me. I didn't even know what exactly was wrong with me, I didn't have a word for it, at least not until I was a bit older—I just knew that I was different and that I couldn't let anyone find out that I was."

Billy could see where the story was going; Gavin certainly had his tells, the most glaring of which was that he was just a little too attractive, kind of pretty, actually, bright blue eyes with lashes a little too long, auburn hair a little too fashionable, milky skin, and lips a little too full. He also wore a silver cuff on the shell of his ear, but Billy had a feeling he didn't buy that until after he'd left Bonnybridge.

Gavin seemed to read Billy's mind. "I couldn't hide it, though. How can y'hide something when you don't even know what it is?" he laughed, though his eyes had gone sad with the memory. "I had no friends, apart from my sister. I'd go to school every day just terrified, trying my best to not be noticed. I thought if I acted invisible, maybe no one would see me." He half-mimicked the way Billy suspected he may have walked through the halls at school, head down, eyes on the floor, shrinking into himself. "Never worked. I'd come home with new bruises every day. Nearly every afternoon, I had some kind of meat attached to my face while I was doing my homework." 

Billy laughed. He'd certainly had days like that, growing up. What boy didn't?

He nearly forgot all about the fact that his turn would be coming up soon, that at some point in the next half hour or so, he'd have to stand where Gavin was and be faced with the utterly embarrassing task of spilling his guts. Gavin's energy—his honesty—pulled him in, made him Billy's absolute focal point. In the back of his mind, he understood how Gavin had gotten to this room.

Billy could be entertaining, he had no doubt about that, but could he be so honest? He was friendly by nature, but he always kept his emotional world to himself, to the space of his room, ever since he was a kid. Performing was sort of a way of getting all that out without facing the consequences, the judgment of others, that he was self-indulgent, or a poof himself. He'd close his door and write a song or strum his guitar or simply talk himself through whatever he was feeling, and it suddenly felt at least half better.

When Gavin started talking about his parents, Billy glanced around the circle to find that everyone's eyes were filled with tears. Then he blinked and, fuck, his were too. He hurriedly wiped them away with surreptitious knuckles.

"To say it was a difficult time would be an understatement," Gavin said heavily. "There's nothing that can prepare you for being told you're not welcome in the house where you grew up. Honestly, I only managed to get through because... there really was no other choice. I was fifteen. I had to get through it or give up completely. It took years, but I was finally able to take a positive spin on being shut out, which was that I had complete freedom. I could get a fresh start and be honest with myself and with everyone I met from that point on. And I haven't looked back since."

There was a collective exhale as Gavin nodded and headed back to his spot on the floor. Two more stories came and went, but Billy was still stuck on that first one. He realized something: Gavin didn't just tell a story about coming out, he came out, to everyone in the room just now, these people with whom he'd be spending the next three years. Billy knew he could never be so brave.

He was, of course, the last to go. He wondered for what wouldn't be the first time if he was the only actor who dreaded the moment he had to get up in front of everyone and start talking. He got to his feet, feeling almost as if he was having an out-of-body experience, the Billy standing in the middle of the circle some strange shadow of him but nowhere near the real thing. 

Before he opened his mouth, he looked at Gavin, almost by accident, Gavin giving him the sweetest, most encouraging look in the world. Billy stuttered, then began. "My parents both died when I was very young."


End file.
